Tuesday, January 23, 2007

It ends tonight

So, for all you parents out there, how true is this?
POSITION :Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for thebest but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Anyone know how to heal an aching shoulder? Course I don't know what's wrong with it, I think maybe I pulled something shoveling the other day. It's where my shoulder blade connects to whatever the hell it connects to, it's painful to the touch, as well as when I move and in certain positions. And before you suggest, I'm not about to go to a doctor. Half of that being I'm switching health plans soon, and the new plan doesn't cover pre-existing conditions.

2 comments:

Carrie said...

My shoulder has been hurting a lot too, although it's not painful to the touch. I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like you pulled it (like you said) or dislocated it a little. I would take some ibuprofen, then alternate hot and cold packs on it for awhile. If it still hurts after awhile, well, you may have to either wait until you get on new health insurance or just cough up the money and not have it covered.

Goddess said...

"...supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life"

Who wrote that crap? Hallmark?!

Once you get your health plans figured out, get your ass to a chiropractor. You'll be amazed at how good you'll feel once you get that neck cracked and that shoulder yanked into place;)