Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I don't think you know

I got the job at the bookstore, and I'm ecstatically happy about it.
I have magnetic poetry on my door (it's a steel door), and sometimes I like to put messages up where I hope certain people will find them. Last night, I stuck the message up "my ma thinks I'm a failure" today she came up and talked to me about going to Okoboji (I won't be going this year because of jobs), money (typical) though she wasn't yelling about me about the porch floor (thank God), surprisingly. Anyways, after she left my dad came up wanting me to look at some things with him, so after locking my door to go downstairs, I notice my mom changed the message to "u must expect from yourself! failure never" What the hell does she know about what I expect? I expect stuff from myself and I meet those expectations, but I guess since I don't expect the same things that she does, I don't expect anything from myself. What the hell does she even know about me? It's not like she takes the time to learn about me, and when I do share things, it always seems she's got some way to knock those things down, or put me down.
Now, I'm pretty sure she doesn't think I'm a failure, but if she would act toward me that she doesn't that would be really nice. Following my brother, who got out of college in 4 years (I took 4.5) knew exactly what he wanted when he went in (I was accepted into the Design College, switched to the Business College before starting, and ended up getting a Bachelor of Science in Criminology and Sociology from the Liberal Arts and Sciences College), got himself a great paying job when he got done (I still haven't), is living on the 19th floor of an apartment building in Chicago with a view of the lake (I'm renting from my parents), making nice money (I'm barely making enough to pay my bills), and knows what he wants to do with his life if he doesn't he's sure putting up a nice facade (me I have no idea and I show it every day). I'd love for my parents to harp on him about not having a girlfriend, and praise me for having a boyfriend (and someone I would love to spend the rest of my life with, they don't know that part though). But I never hear anything bad about him, all the disappointment is about my life and my lack of a job and my lack of money.
If I went their direction, and stayed in business and somehow made the grades to graduate and get a good job, I guarantee I would be very miserable, I wouldn't have met Kevin (I know that for sure), and he is a huge part of why I'm happy with my life.
I love telling people that I don't care what my mom thinks, but it still hurts when I let her down (if I didn't truly care, it wouldn't make a difference). I think somewhere deep down I really do want to please my mom, actually I know I do, as much as I love to say I don't. I wish someday she could tell me she's proud of me, but those words are few and very far between, I don't think I've heard it since I graduated college, and before that I don't know. And that hurts.
I've been listening to Hate Me by Blue October a lot lately (partly cause I bought the download on Amazon not so long ago), and I realize some of it explains how I feel about my mom. Bolded parts are what i relate to

Hate Me
by Blue October

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

Friday, August 08, 2008

in ways hard to swallow

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day, and something he said so applies to my mother. The show was focusing on spouses that abuse their larger spouse. And they were all calling the other one degrading names because they were fat, and they kept saying they were encouring them to lose weight. Dr. Phil said that if what they were doing wasn't encouring the spouse, maybe they needed to change their tactics. That applies to my mother, I think she thinks she's encouraging me to find a job by whining at me about jobs and money, and maybe she needs to realize that she should back up and let me deal with it. She also has me doing random things around the house, and she has the tendency to check my work at the end of the day (or at random times), and then she goes back and do more at it. Like right now, I'm scraping and painting the porch. Well last week, she kept checking every day and scraping (on the most weathered piece of wood on the porch that's going to continue to peel until the end of time) and then she went and painted part of it, and whined at me cause I actually had other things to do. Now today when I get home from the library she's out there scraping away on it (on the other very weathered pieces of wood). DAMN!! I wish I had money.

I know too much

I'm loving Flashpoint. I've found out it's hard to watch a cop show when I know so much about law enforcement, so then if they do something different than what I know, I don't think it's realistic and I'm always critiquing the show. With Flashpoint, I have no idea what it's like to be on SRT or SWAT (or ERT like it is here), so I don't know what procedure is and I don't know if they're doing it right or wrong. TV shows are so much more enjoyable when I don't know much about what it's about. Like Bones, I don't know much about forensic anthropologists or FBI agents, so the less I know the more enjoyable a show is for me. Course that also kinda sucks, because I loved Third Watch when it was on TV, at least it's a mix of police, paramedics and firefighters, so that will help, but I'm afraid if I go buy it on DVD and rewatch it, like I did with 21 Jump Street, I'll point out things that don't really happen and will ruin the show for me. Like when I watched Category 6: Day of Destruction with Kevin, he kept pointing out things that were wrong and it ruined the movie for me. (I'm never watching Twister with him).
It's kinda weird that the less you know about some things the better it is.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

I hate my mother. Plain and simple. It's 9:00AM and I'm seriously thinking about going and getting drunk because she pissed me off so much this morning.
I'm very glad I got this job because now I won't get to go on the family vacation and listen to her whine to me about money and shove it in my face how much I could buy and what they are buying for me because I don't have money.
Thank you mother for making my life hell right now, when I have enough things to deal with. I shouldn't have to worry about you on my ass all the time. I know I need to find a job and start making money, I know you don't need what you're proposing to me. I know you're just being the bitch you always are and are doing your best to upset me, because that's what you do.

Easter and stuff

I spent a lot of money since Saturday. I went to mail a few things, which was a bad idea. There was a pretty long line, part of the people ...