The other day, I mentioned Americorps. The whole reason mom brought it up is because I "haven't figured out what I want to do with my life yet". She said I wasn't any closer than I was when I graduated high school. The thing is, in high school and college you're supposed to learn about yourself and I think my mom kind of hindered that. I was pondering this last night. I didn't really start to explore/find/learn about myself until I moved out (or across the street into one of my parents apartments, as the case may be) and wasn't around my parents, didn't have them looking over my shoulder and breathing down my neck. I got my first tattoo the spring after moving out. That I think was the first part in finding myself, and then the whole posting about motorcycle rides online, dying my hair red, and getting more tattoos. I still haven't figured out who I am, but with most people starting to learn in high school (or at least the summer after high school and into college) I have a couple more years to figure it out. I am so much more comfortable in my own skin now that I've added ink and started wearing clothes that fit my body. When I was in school (elementary through hs), I pretty much just wore t-shirts and jeans, the whole damn time. I remember when I wore a cute summer dress (still got it and it still fits pretty damn good) for my high school graduation, I'm pretty sure my mom tried to convince me to wear something different. Of course at that time I was still wearing bike shorts underneath dresses and skirts, I didn't stop that until some time within the last 3 years. It has also helped having a boyfriend constantly telling me I'm hott. Parents are obligated to tell you you're beautiful, and siblings are obligated to tell you you're not, so you don't actually know what you are until you get a significant other (unless you're one of those people that are gorgeous to begin with)
I feel so free and good looking when I wear cute dresses and form fitting shirts. Though I'm still getting used to short shorts. I never had any until Kevin bought me some last year for my birthday, but I still haven't really worn them when I'm not around him or mowing the lawn. I'm not quite sure about my legs yet, though I have had at least 3 people tell me they like my long slim legs.
I've been watching America's Next Top Model and The Tyra Banks Show lately (I've watched other shows with this topic, but these are the most recent), and I notice how much they push self-esteem, and self-worth, and how we see ourselves. How we don't think others think we're gorgeous until we fully accept ourselves and who we are. They should really teach that in high school or college. Especially in high school when people can be so cruel to everyone else. I'm thinking I started to be freer with myself after reading something in my intro to psychology class, spring of my sophomore year of college. 75% of your peers don't even notice you, they're too busy worrying about themselves (or something like that). When I started to realize that, I think that's when I started to focus more on me. And I have felt better about myself since then.
Am I where I want to be? I don't know where I want to be in life. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. When I was in 2nd grade we had journals and one of the topics was to write about that, I said I wanted to be a police officer. Then I got to high school and took a 2D art class found out I was pretty good at at that and wanted to be an artist (but we all know artists don't really make a living on their art), when we had career day in 11th grade, I went to a library. That was interesting, and I think I could handle that. When I was accepted into college, I was originally accepted into the Art & Design program, then my parents convinced me there was no money in art and I transferred into the Business program before actually starting. But I took and Intro to Sociology and Intro to Criminal Justice class to fill out my schedule and really enjoyed those. I found out if I had an enjoyable class (something NOT business) every semester, I could handle the semester. When I failed my accounting class my sophomore spring semester, I realized I couldn't fake it in business anymore, I never got better than a B- in any of my business classes, though I was getting B+ and B's in my LAS (Liberal Arts and Sciences) classes, so I transferred over to that program, chose to do a major in Sociology and minor in Criminal Justice (I think I would have done the minor in CJ even if I continued in Business). I enjoyed it, I don't think I thought that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, but I realized I paid more attention to the content and ingested the material.
While I was in college I worked at the campus library, I really loved that. I wouldn't mind being a librarian for the rest of my life. When I graduated college, I didn't have a job lined up, and was looking until May last year, when I landed a great job working at an art store. That was fun, I got to play with the products and teach others about the products. I learned fast. I really enjoyed that job, but things happened and the store closed, so once again I'm looking for a job. I really don't know what I want to do. I know what I can do, but Goddess told me not to look for a job to pay the bills because then I'd get stuck in it for life. I'm trying not to do that, but my money's running out. I wouldn't mind what I'm doing now (OK yesterday morning), listening to music and making art. I wish I had a job I could just go in and make some money to keep me going for awhile and not have to work every day (Good luck getting that, huh?)