Friday, August 14, 2009

I can't help it

I can't help it. When he tells me he has to work Sunday again, I catch my breath and feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I want to cry for the next hour, but I can't because I'm at work. I want to revert back to destructive habits, but I can't because they take too long to heal. I want to get drunk, but I can't because it costs money that I don't have. I'd love to have the tears rolling down my cheeks on my walk home, then I won't care who sees them but I will hope someone sees them and cares, but no one will. By the time I get to close the store and walk home I'll still be hurting (that will last all weekend), but the tears will have passed until later at night when I'm crawling into bed to cuddle the frogs he's given me, then I will bawl until I fall asleep.
I know it bothers him too, he had to work last Sunday night he hasn't had a day off in 12 days and he won't have one for at least 20 days. He is very tired and it seems he never gets to sleep extra.
It always seems to be the weekends I actually have something planned for Monday. I wanted to go to the State Fair, because that would be the only time either one of us would be able to go, but I knew in the back of my mind it wasn't going to happen. You can't have a life when your significant other/spouse works there. They don't have a choice when they work, they're lucky if they only get a 6 day week, and 11 hours a night. Lately that hasn't happened, he's had 7 day weeks and more than 12 hour nights to work. The company doesn't care whether their workers are happy or not, they have so much money that if someone gets fired or leaves, they can just hire another worker without much effort. They pay enough to deter their workers from looking for other jobs or they just work them too much, so the only free time they have they sleep.
I can't cry at work, but the tears drip down my cheeks anyway. I can't help it.

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