Thursday, November 15, 2007

Pondering...

Me and him. Kevin and I are having a bad time. I hadn’t talked to him since Monday 10 am, so I was concerned. Last week I hadn’t talked to him in a couple days and got extremely worried. I was trying to figure out what changed between weeks, and I think some of it was I was finishing up my period so I was very emotional and hormonal, plus I wasn’t worried until my boss said “maybe he’s dead”, can’t say that helped a lot. When he finally figured out how worried I was he said that bothered him a bit. So this week I wasn’t really worried, because of the stuff he told me to reassure me if something had happened I’d know, also because my co-worker said he was just exercising his bachelorhood and wanted me to call him saying I really missed him and that I wanted to kiss him all over, and both of us knows that would never happen. He picked me up from work yesterday and told me he had no excuse, that he was just thinking of us, and wondering if we should stay together. I know he loves me, and he knows he loves me, but he’s afraid I’m not in the same place emotionally as him. I’m not sure I love him, I don’t really know what love is, I know I care deeply for him and that I would really hurt if something ever happened to him, but I don’t know. Today, I’m pondering what to do. Yesterday I listened to him and was basically just happy he was ok and I got to see him. Like I said I know I care for him very deeply, I long for him when he’s not around. He was talking about kids and marriage, and I don’t know if I want that, I know I want kids (as much as I tell everyone I hate kids and never want any, I really do). I just don’t know if I’m ready to think about that yet. I don’t know if I’m ready for a sole committed relationship. He’s my first boyfriend, and I keep wondering if there’s not something better out there, and I know I don’t want to deeply commit to someone if I’m not sure, that would be unfair to them. My boss and coworker were saying that you learn to look at guys without your husband/so noticing, and I always thought if you were really truly happy with your spouse you wouldn’t have to look at other guys. And I’m learning about me, and I’m really getting happy with him, but I don’t know. I also think knowing all this stuff by now (I’ve been with him a little over 6 months) is too soon. Like I’ve said I’ve never had a boyfriend I’ve been in love once (I think it was love), but I’m so unsure. Should I let him go, figure it out for myself and then if I decide he’s the one ask him to take me back, that seems unfair to me. Make him wait until I’m sure when he’s already sure. He’s said at times he’s felt I treat him as a convenience, that this is what I have and I guess it’s ok. I don’t really know of a specific time he’s talking about, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t felt that way, I hope if I have, I’d remember it.
The other thing is a sexual thing, and I’m debating whether to post it or not. I’m not quite sure I want my love life bouncing around the internet, but you all give me great advice.
I was just listening to “Lost in this Moment” by Big & Rich, and thinking I wouldn’t mind growing old with Kevin. So here’s my question to you (other than advice for above), what’s your definition of love? Maybe if I knew what it was to other people, I could figure out if I’m in love.

2 comments:

Carrie said...

Here's how I knew I was in love:

I found myself smiling whenever I thought about him
I wanted to spend tons of time with him
I felt like he brought out the best in me
I felt I could be myself around him and that I was safe
I wanted to take care of him and make him happy
I could picture a future with him
I couldn't imagine life without him, or if I could, it was a sadder, less complete-feeling life

It's not an exhaustive or definitive list, so don't think to yourself, "Oh, I'm missing one of these things/I fell all of these thing, thus I must not/must be in love." It all comes down to how you feel, as corny as that sounds.

Carrie said...

Also, that's a pretty crappy thing for your boss to say.