I want a ticket to anywhere

Fast Car by Tracy Chapman

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans
I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way


Ever feel like that? Wish I had a fast car to take me away.

I don't know who I am anymore

"I just... what happened to us? You know? I don't know who I am anymore. Or how I got here. I miss who I used to be. I wanna have a home again, ya know? And real friends. You know, the kind of friendships we used to believe in. I miss that....I guess I just miss all of it. Does any of that make any sense?"
Took this quote from the show I was watching tonight, rings pretty true in my life.

If you're looking for a sad song...

I'm so tired of everything.
I'm tired of shoveling snow, if I don't I get yelled at, no matter how much snow there is. I'm sick of getting up everyday and perusing numerous websites, turning in applications and calling places to find a job. I'm sick of getting up and going to work, just to stand for 2 hours and come back home. I just want to move to California where it's nice and warm, and sell my art on the beach shore.
I just wanna quit everything and leave.

Round and round

How do you save someone from themselves?
They're not scared of you. They're scared of what you represent to 'em....Hey, man. All we represent to them, man, is somebody who needs a haircut....Oh, no. What you represent to them is freedom....What the hell is wrong with freedom? That's what it's all about....Oh, yeah, that's right. That's what's it's all about, all right. But talkin' about it and bein' it, that's two different things. I mean, it's real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace. Of course, don't ever tell anybody that they're not free, 'cause then they're gonna get real busy killin' and maimin' to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em....Well, it don't make 'em runnin' scared....No, it makes 'em dangerous.
It’s not fair and it hurts like hell, but it’s worth it.
I’m tired. Tired of bein’ on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we’s coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head all the time.
If you see me sittin on the edge of a twenty-story ledge, don’t try to save me, no I’m probably lookin at the sky just tryin to find a reason why
Do you listen when it rains Are you worried something’s going to end it all today Is there anything that you had wished that you had said Or is it all just bouncing like a bubble in your head
I’ll live this life until this life won’t let me live here anymore Then I will walk yes I will walk with patience through that open door I have no fear angels follow me where ever I may go I’ll live this life until this life won’t let me live here anymore.
I miss not being on a bike. I dreamed about it the other day, that’s when I know I really miss something. Last week, I saw some commercial, I don’t even know what it was for, but it was a couple riding through the country on a motorcycle, it pained me sooo much. That’s the huge thing that I wish I had, biking is a nice part of my life, that has been lacking lately. I’m thinking of putting my ad back on craigslist this spring, it’s not like I’m looking for a relationship, I just want a ride. I miss it SOOO much.
I wouldn’t trade Kevin for dream guy, ever, I’ll probably never have the chance, but if I didn’t I wouldn’t trade him, wouldn’t even think about it. Goddess has told me, personality makes up a lot about how much you like someone, and that is so true. Dream Guy may be the cop, have a nice truck, and a gorgeous motorcycle, but I’ve heard (and when I’ve conversed with him, he’s not really nice) that he’s a dick, Kevin has the personality and a gorgeous truck, plus he’s a stud in my eyes, wouldn’t even trade him for a Marine. Now that says volumes about how much I love him.

Pondering...

Me and him. Kevin and I are having a bad time. I hadn’t talked to him since Monday 10 am, so I was concerned. Last week I hadn’t talked to him in a couple days and got extremely worried. I was trying to figure out what changed between weeks, and I think some of it was I was finishing up my period so I was very emotional and hormonal, plus I wasn’t worried until my boss said “maybe he’s dead”, can’t say that helped a lot. When he finally figured out how worried I was he said that bothered him a bit. So this week I wasn’t really worried, because of the stuff he told me to reassure me if something had happened I’d know, also because my co-worker said he was just exercising his bachelorhood and wanted me to call him saying I really missed him and that I wanted to kiss him all over, and both of us knows that would never happen. He picked me up from work yesterday and told me he had no excuse, that he was just thinking of us, and wondering if we should stay together. I know he loves me, and he knows he loves me, but he’s afraid I’m not in the same place emotionally as him. I’m not sure I love him, I don’t really know what love is, I know I care deeply for him and that I would really hurt if something ever happened to him, but I don’t know. Today, I’m pondering what to do. Yesterday I listened to him and was basically just happy he was ok and I got to see him. Like I said I know I care for him very deeply, I long for him when he’s not around. He was talking about kids and marriage, and I don’t know if I want that, I know I want kids (as much as I tell everyone I hate kids and never want any, I really do). I just don’t know if I’m ready to think about that yet. I don’t know if I’m ready for a sole committed relationship. He’s my first boyfriend, and I keep wondering if there’s not something better out there, and I know I don’t want to deeply commit to someone if I’m not sure, that would be unfair to them. My boss and coworker were saying that you learn to look at guys without your husband/so noticing, and I always thought if you were really truly happy with your spouse you wouldn’t have to look at other guys. And I’m learning about me, and I’m really getting happy with him, but I don’t know. I also think knowing all this stuff by now (I’ve been with him a little over 6 months) is too soon. Like I’ve said I’ve never had a boyfriend I’ve been in love once (I think it was love), but I’m so unsure. Should I let him go, figure it out for myself and then if I decide he’s the one ask him to take me back, that seems unfair to me. Make him wait until I’m sure when he’s already sure. He’s said at times he’s felt I treat him as a convenience, that this is what I have and I guess it’s ok. I don’t really know of a specific time he’s talking about, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t felt that way, I hope if I have, I’d remember it.
The other thing is a sexual thing, and I’m debating whether to post it or not. I’m not quite sure I want my love life bouncing around the internet, but you all give me great advice.
I was just listening to “Lost in this Moment” by Big & Rich, and thinking I wouldn’t mind growing old with Kevin. So here’s my question to you (other than advice for above), what’s your definition of love? Maybe if I knew what it was to other people, I could figure out if I’m in love.

I don't want to spend my life jaded

I have decided I am a boring person.
I may ride motorcycles (when I get the chance), have 3 tattoes, rebel against the norm as much as I can, and don't care what people think of me, but underneath I am a boring person.
Anyone have a remedy for me?

On another note, anyone who's been watching Drive on Fox, the final two episodes (that didn't seem like a very long series to me) are on next Wednesday, the 4th of July back to back starting at 7pm central time.

The Man in Black's gonna rock your ass again

So, you should know by now that I am a listmom of a Yahoo! art group, that deals with art trading cards. Anyways, we just had a swap and I sent the cards back to the people. Well, I got an email from one of my members today, saying she hadn't gotten her packet back. And I'm thinking WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT? I can't go ask the mail carriers where her package is, I can't jump in the mail and find her package. Personally I don't exactly care, ok I care, but there's nothing I can do about it. Everyone loses a package at least once during these things, chalk it up to experience and move on. Sorry needed to vent. And if anyone doesn't know what an art trading card is, google it, you'll get sources.

So lately, I've had the urge to run away (ok more than usual) into the country where life is simple and happy. Anybody got a remedy for this?
These poems were written by me, and if I find out anyone takes them and doesn't ask, I'll have to hunt you down and hurt you, I do have my ways. That being said, enjoy.

My world

As I walk through the country
I feel the wind in my hair
The squishy ground underneath my feet
The smell of country in my nose
I know I belong here
This is where the world talks to me and I can hear it
Don't take me away
I want to spend the rest of my days here
Listening to the birds and nature explain to me about living
But, alas it is not to be
My parents call me to the car
And I am pulled back to
Crowded streets
Cars roaring down them
Lost in the world of now
Until next time


Rolling fields of green and skies of blue
Roads snaking through Iowa countryside
Birds in air on land
Searching for prey
My land, looking for me
A red cardinal in the stark contrast of
Winter months or lush green spring
Tiny paths cutting through wood
Filled with brances and woodland creatures
This is my world where natur and humans collide
Technology and simplicity working alongside each other
Pets mingling with deer and wolves
I'd take the lonely fields over crowded streets any day

I wish...

Last Thurs, I woke up, and real life slapped me in the face. And it sucks, so with that lingering in my mind, I watched Supernatural, and it got me thinking about things.

Last week (5/3), the guys (Dean and Sam) were hunting a Djinn (genie), and the Djinn attacks Dean and makes him think that the Djinn granted his wish that his mother wasn't killed in a fire when he was young. This fire got their dad hunting the supernatural stuff, which brought the boys into the hunt as they grew up. One hunt the dad went off and didn't talk to Dean in awhile, who then went to find Sam and they took up hunting.
Anyways, their life was so great (the father had died of a stroke, apparently they couldn't get him to come for the episode though), Sam was happily in law school and engaged to his girlfriend (who died in a similar fire to the one that killed their mother after Dean recruited him for a hunt), Dean had a girlfriend and was apparently happy. Only he found out that all the people he, Sam, and the father saved, didn't actually get saved in this other life, so he went to find the jen and see what it did. Apparently it made his conscious think the wish was granted while it slowly drained his life away without him knowing it. In the end (after Sam brings him back), Dean's debating if it was actually worth it.
Sam: I'm glad you dug yourself out, Dean. Most people wouldn't of had the strength, would've just stayed.
Dean: You should have seen it, Sammy. You had Jess. Mom was gonna have grandkids.
Sam: Dean, it wasn't real.
Dean: I know. But I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay so bad....Ever since dad, all I can think about is how much this job's cost us. We've lost so much. We've sacrificed so much.
Sam: But people are alive because of you. It's worth it Dean. It is. It's not fair and it hurts like hell, but it's worth it.

It just got me thinking, that what if genies existed and they could grant wishes, or make you think they did. If they actually did this, and I had it happen to me, knowing what was happening with my body, would I leave? If I could have that one wish, would I give up this life for another?

I wanna blow myself away

Y'all remember when I said this "the thing with the guy I'm hanging out with lately"? I was planning on 'discussing' it with y'all later and then I got distracted (big surprise there, huh?), but it's good cause with other things that have been happening, I'm still confused. So, I'm asking for advice, feel free to post some.
At that time, that week, I was chatting/hanging out with this guy and confused, with new developments I'm still (more) confused.
I took a couple CJ (criminal justice) classes that this guy happened to be in, one last spring, and one last semester. Anyways, I had set up to meet him somewhere for a supper, he happened to be working that night (this was back in Oct?), and forgot about it. Later (a week, I believe), he invited me to ride along with him on one of his work days (he works with the local PD), and I did, that was fun. We were chatting a bit on AIM. Then I graduated (Dec) and I hadn't chatted with him in awhile, sometime in Jan I believe we did a little more chatting on AIM. Speed forward (with chatting on AIM) to April (my mind is so lost on time lately), a Mon, he gets on AIM, we chat for about 4 hours more or less, then he comes over, takes a short tour of my apt, and we chat about 6 hours, we go to supper (both paying for our own), still chatting, and then I go to see his apt, and we continue chatting. And then he takes me home about midnight, I started chatting with him at 10AM, pretty much chatting most of the day.
Tues, he gets on AIM to say he had fun, that was pretty much it for the day. Weds, he calls me around 9PM or so, says he's getting off work, and wonders if he might come over to watch a movie. He does, we watch a movie and talk more. He goes home close to 3AM. I don't believe I talked to him for the rest of the week.
Guess I chatted a little Sat night. Sun (next week) he chats with me on AIM (I have no idea how long, guessing a couple hrs). Tues, he calls wants to get together and watch another movie, due to my having stuff out, I decline, and we chat a little while on the phone, maybe 30 min or so.
Tues (this week), he calls around 1:30PM and wonders if I want to go get something to eat. We go to McD's (see part of earlier post). He goes to work around 2:30PM. I go for my walk (you should all know about my walks by now). See him at the PD on the way back, no chatting (he looked busy). About 15-20 min later, I call him, he says he was gonna chat when he came back out of the PD but I was gone, we chat about 40 (?) minutes. I called him yesterday (Wed) and we chatted for a few min, not too long. Today, he calls about 2:30PM and asks about going to get something to eat. We go to Jimmy Johns (sub place), we're at the counter, chick takes his order, asks for mine. I think nothing of it (I decided to get nothing, cause I have no money, that's getting to be a trend). He gets a cookie with his meal and tells me I gotta eat some of it (of course I did).
Now, I'm sitting here tonight, chatting with Goddess. And I realize that he didn't say anything to the chick about us being separate when she asked what I wanted. Kinda confused about that.
I like him, I've liked him since I first saw him, but figured wouldn't get any further than facebook (online 'community' site) friends (there's a shit load of good looking guys on campus, and a bunch I'm facebook friends that I like, that won't go any further). I don't know if I'm wanting something that's not there, or what. I find myself searching for his truck at the PD parking lot (I do that when I learn what people drive, so not just cause I like someone). When I was done with my walk today, I was outside with my pig, kinda watching, hoping he'd come by. I find I'm happy when he calls (ok I'm happy when anyone calls, but I like talking to him). Am I hoping there's something there that isn't? Maybe. Is there something there? I don't know, that's where you're advice comes into play. I've never liked someone that may have an interest in me. I've been on one date (technically 2, cause there was a time when a guy bought me dinner, but I still/always see it as friends having dinner).
I'm just way confused, anything y'all wanna contribute would be helpful.

What do you want?

That's a loaded question.
I got an email with that as the subject line, here's the answer Mr. Whitlock:
I want to have a job that I don't have to worry about money, now that doesn't mean I want one that's six-figured, though it wouldn't be bad, just one that gives me enough to live off of each month.
I don't want to be worried about my money. Like now I don't even have $500 in the bank, so I have to decide how to spend it. Rent will be due next week, my electric bill will be due soon after that. In a month my parents are doubling my rent. I know this is very bad, and my situation's probably not this bad, but I think it is, but I don't have money to spend on food right now. I'm eating cookies (some from the funddrive this weekend, some already paid for girlscout cookies), chips, cereal, and McD's cinnamon things as meals. I can't really afford to take $$$ out of the bank for my food budget. I'm gonna be listing some movies on eBay later, hoping to get money out of that.
I want to spend my time having fun now. I'm young, I hate that I don't have a job, but I hate it even more that I have to spend my time looking for one. I'd rather have one and know when my free time is to do stuff.
I want a guy. I'm so damn sick of being single. I've never had a boyfriend, in the 23 years of my life I've never had one. I've been in love and never told the guy. I've had and still have many crushes. I just want someone to spend time with, to take me on a bike ride, to cuddle in my living room with as we watch movies, to go with me on my walks.
I want a new tattoo. I don't want to worry what my parents will do if I get another one. I love tattoos, I consider them a part of me (to which my mom replies, if that were so, you'd have been born with them).
I want my parents to back the fuck off. I'm so sick of my mom telling me to do this and that, and to do shit that she doesn't want to do.
I want my bathroom to be done. I still don't have a sink (supposedly it's been on back order for over a month). I don't have storage in my bathroom. I don't have a sink near a mirror. I don't have a place to hang up towels. I can't even really decorate until I get the vanity and other shit, so I don't have to worry about work guys in my apt to do something else in the bathroom.
I want to live off my art. I want to do that as my job, but I don't know how to. I know my shit is pretty damn good, (some of you know I've won awards for it). I know lots of my friends feel its good.
I want to be happy.
I want that moment when everything clicks and you know what's going to happen, and that everything will be fine for the rest of your life.

What do you want?

To my mom:

I'm so glad your home so you can tell me I need to sweep the sawdust out of the driveway, that I need to tell my parents where I'm applying for jobs or go live somewhere else. Thank you so much for butting your nose into my business. Because you obviously know what I'm going through and how much "help" you can give me on shit.
I'm so glad you're back to be a bitch in my life again.
Because you are "supplementing 80% of my living expenses" obviously you need to know what I'm doing with my time all day.
EXCUSE ME?!? I pay my DSL/phone bill, I pay my credit card, I pay for my clothes and food. The only thing you're supplementing me is my rent. But obviously that is "80% of my living expenses" I guess my calculations are a little off.
You already feel you can take me away from whatever I'm doing when ever you come up to my visit to talk with you. That you can enter my apartment at any time you want to. That you have the right to criticize how I live.

If I had the money, you can bet I would move as far away from you as I could. I had a dream last night where I just picked up and left because I couldn't stand how you criticize and judge me all the time. I even remembered what I packed, and almost made a list this morning. I am so sick of this cloud of judgment you hang over my head. I'm not allowed to do certain things because you have so much control over me.
I LOVE the city I live in, but I would leave it just to get away from you.

It's snowing

I was in such a good mood this morning, until I looked out the window and saw there was snow covering most of the ground and still falling. No one told me there was a chance for snow in the forecast. Hell the other day, it smelled like spring, there was green grass, birds (even robins) singing, it was spring. Now we have snow. FUCK MOTHER NATURE.
I'm so pissed I'm crying. Course part of that could just be left over from my dad getting me pissed last night. Every time this week that he's talked to me, he's bothered me about finding a job. YES, dad I'm looking, I email people my resume and send my resume out, just cause I don't want to talk about it with you doesn't mean I'm not trying. He's getting to be as bad as my mother. I'm rather upset of the lack of shit coming to the Center, I dont' have money to spend on myself, I have $18 that's supposed to last me a while (and I have to go grocery shopping today), I have no idea what I'm gonna do when the 1st of May comes along and I don't have a job (they're doubling my rent then), just cause I look like I don't care on the outside, doesn't mean I'm not freaking out on the inside. I wish I had something to do all day, I'm bored out of my mind (I'm reading books from college courses), I even get bored watching TV (that's pretty bad).
I'd love to go out drinking for one night and forget about everything, but I have people to bother me and remind that my life sucks, I have no money, and pretty soon I'm gonna be living out of a box on the street.

It's all good, it's all right

I never thought I'd live this long by Montgomery Gentry

I've treated this ol body like a stolen car,
Just some old disposable machine,
Pedal to the metal and a trail of broken hearts,
Yea I'd fill it up with almost anything,
My motto was live fast and go out strong,
But I never thought that I'd live this long

Once I had a woman and she treated me real good,
The kinda love I never will replace,
One day I thought I ain't seen the world the way I should,
So one night I got up and stepped away,
I knew there'd be some lonely's commin on,
But I never thought that I'd live this long

There have been many times I really should have died,
But somehow I survived on my mistakes,
They say it makes me stronger, but why does it take longer,
Gettin up these days
Yea I'm old enough to have a few regrets,
I'm still young enough to have my dreams,
Maybe that's the reason that my life ain't over yet,
All the places and faces I ain't seen,
I probably won't have time to see them all,
But then again I never thought I'd live this long

It's a fitting song for the moment. Mom cornered me with a talk about the future today. She knows she has to sneak them in on conversations because I won't talk about it. She asked if I had thoughts about the future. I told her I didn't and I really don't. The furthest I've thought into the future is this weekend: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She told me on May 1st, they're doubling my rent, and asked if I thought I would still be living here. I said yes because I had to enjoy my new bathroom and I hated moving.
I honestly did not think I would live this long. I never had plans after high school. I applied for college because that's what everyone was doing. And I got in (not much of a surprise), so I delayed this lost feeling for 4.5 years. Now, I have to deal with it. In Nov, I was hoping to find a job that just paid the bills, but that has been hard to find. I've applied for secretarial jobs because I enjoy that, and I have no idea what I want to do. I just want something to fill the in-between time, but that doesn't mean I'll quit in a few years, if I make the commitment, you can bet I'll stick to it. So, I have a bachelors degree in sociology and criminal justice, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it. Yes, I find that stuff interesting, but I don't know if I wanna do it (anymore).
Bobby once said this to me: "Keep your chin up kid. Don't stop living your life because you're afraid or don't understand what the point is. Nobody knows what they're going to do after college. You'll be fine, I promise." Maybe you don't know what you're gonna do, but you had to have an inkling, right? The only thing I really wanna do is run away to California, go live in a little place on the boardwalk and sell my art. But that's never gonna happen, I'm scared to death to go out on my own. As much as I'd love to get out of the grasps of my parents, I'm scared to death to go somewhere I've never been, and start over. I want it, but it won't happen.\
I realized yesterday that I don't do anything fun in the winter time. I was chatting with a friend at work, and I decided he should come check out my bathroom when it was done, but that there's nothing we could really do after he admired the bathroom. Everytime my friends and I get together we end up chatting and/or watching TV (not that that's a bad thing). So, it's not like I really do anything fun in the winter. Usually I have school/schoolwork and library work to keep me busy, but now I have nothing. I sit here in my apt all day, and I get excited if I get to go to work at night, just to get me out of the house. I really do wish I had some job to go to during the day, I am just so bored.
In the summer, I get to go on walks (usually takes about 2 hours) and that not only gets me out doing something, but I get exercise out of it. If I'm lucky I go on bike rides. And the past summers I had work (at the library) and last summer my internship to keep me busy during the day. I just wish I had something to keep me busy now. I hate this.
I'm only 23 years old, I never thought I'd live this long, and I'm totally lost in life.

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

In the greater scheme or the big picture, nothing we do matters. There's no grand plan, no big win.
We are born, we live, we breath, we function for the everyday, and then we die. The point of life? I don't know, I don't understand why we're here. From what I gather, we don't make a difference. If we're lucky, we're here for 80 years (some people longer), not really making an imprint on anything. This world has been here thousands of years and it will still be here when all of us are extinct. I've heard that in order to make an impact all you have to do is be a friend. Most of my friends are untouchable. I want hugs from my guys, I want to let them know that I love them, but there are so many unseen lines that I can't break, can't mess up the twinge of a friendship that exists there.
I've got a character flaw, I hesistate to share it. With the exception of 2, all my friends change after learning about my character flaw. They feel they must do something about it, when the one thing that would mean the most to me doesn't enter their minds.

It's the sense of touch. I want that human touch. We go through our lives trying not to get too close to people, just so we don't have to hurt. Or at least that's what I do. I have a stone cold exterior, you're lucky if you break it open and see the inside. I've been hurt by people that I consider very close to me (though I don't think the feeling is mutual). I've gotten so used to that hurt from trusting people, that I've closed back in on myself. I want to feel the human touch again, that warmth of someone who cares.

It's not like that 3rd eye's really going anywhere

So, I was watching a movie today on lifetime (yeah, I know) called A Face To Die For starring Yasmine Bleeth. It's about this chick with a scarred face that gets set up by her boyfriend and sent to jail for a robbery. While in jail she gets into a fight and a plastic surgeon fixes her face and she gets out and starts her own fashion design company. Anyways, she develops this great self-confidence.
I want that. I want to be able to go out on a limb and know everything will work out. I want the rich things. I want to work with my hands, to create my art. I want that happy life with the rich expensive things, the great guy, the own business, and the happiness.

Try to remind myself that I was happy here

So, here I am doing the exact same thing I do every night. Sitting in front of the TV with my computer on my lap. Some day I'm thinking I should just go out walking and keep walking til I get somewhere exciting. Just keep going, my guess no one would realize I was gone for a couple days at least.
New start for a new year? That's a load of crock. I started out doing the same shit I always do. I have a bad habit that I try to get rid of, but I always turn back to it. When life gets hard, or I'm just depressed, I go back to the one thing that makes me feel better. So much for breaking old habits. But, you know what they say, old habits die hard. Ain't that the truth.
So just to see what all the hype is about I got me a myspace account. I have a few friends who have them, so I figured this was just another way to keep in touch with them.
Am I the only one who misses summer?

They didn't have you where I come from

What's the point? The point of life? Like I've said I lead a VERY boring life. And well right now I don't see the point of getting up everyday going to class/work, coming home reading textbooks/writing papers. Only to go to bed and do it all over again. I don't see anything bright about the future. I'm very bored with my life. So until someone tells me the point of the whole thing. I say fuck it.

In the distance

So, I was chatting with an old friend today. Ok, not that old, I've known him for about 4 yrs, and I used to run into him when I was walking home and he was going home, me one way, him the other. And he'd see me, pull over and I'd lean in his truck window and we'd chat. I miss that. I chat with him periodically when I see him and he's working, or I call him, or he pops in on AIM. But it's not the same, maybe just cause he needs/wants to keep it short cause he's working or doing something else when I call him, or because he doesn't really like sitting in front of the computer. Our chats just seem so distant lately, and it bugs me. I just wish I could go back to 4 yrs ago, and chat again. Me standing there leaning in his truck window, feeling the air conditioner blow on me, as my feet suck in the hottness of the blacktop underneath.
Sometimes, I just wanna get lost and have a cop find me. Hell, I'm lost now, but no one's looking for me.