Sunday, February 18, 2007

It's all good, it's all right

I never thought I'd live this long by Montgomery Gentry

I've treated this ol body like a stolen car,
Just some old disposable machine,
Pedal to the metal and a trail of broken hearts,
Yea I'd fill it up with almost anything,
My motto was live fast and go out strong,
But I never thought that I'd live this long

Once I had a woman and she treated me real good,
The kinda love I never will replace,
One day I thought I ain't seen the world the way I should,
So one night I got up and stepped away,
I knew there'd be some lonely's commin on,
But I never thought that I'd live this long

There have been many times I really should have died,
But somehow I survived on my mistakes,
They say it makes me stronger, but why does it take longer,
Gettin up these days
Yea I'm old enough to have a few regrets,
I'm still young enough to have my dreams,
Maybe that's the reason that my life ain't over yet,
All the places and faces I ain't seen,
I probably won't have time to see them all,
But then again I never thought I'd live this long

It's a fitting song for the moment. Mom cornered me with a talk about the future today. She knows she has to sneak them in on conversations because I won't talk about it. She asked if I had thoughts about the future. I told her I didn't and I really don't. The furthest I've thought into the future is this weekend: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She told me on May 1st, they're doubling my rent, and asked if I thought I would still be living here. I said yes because I had to enjoy my new bathroom and I hated moving.
I honestly did not think I would live this long. I never had plans after high school. I applied for college because that's what everyone was doing. And I got in (not much of a surprise), so I delayed this lost feeling for 4.5 years. Now, I have to deal with it. In Nov, I was hoping to find a job that just paid the bills, but that has been hard to find. I've applied for secretarial jobs because I enjoy that, and I have no idea what I want to do. I just want something to fill the in-between time, but that doesn't mean I'll quit in a few years, if I make the commitment, you can bet I'll stick to it. So, I have a bachelors degree in sociology and criminal justice, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it. Yes, I find that stuff interesting, but I don't know if I wanna do it (anymore).
Bobby once said this to me: "Keep your chin up kid. Don't stop living your life because you're afraid or don't understand what the point is. Nobody knows what they're going to do after college. You'll be fine, I promise." Maybe you don't know what you're gonna do, but you had to have an inkling, right? The only thing I really wanna do is run away to California, go live in a little place on the boardwalk and sell my art. But that's never gonna happen, I'm scared to death to go out on my own. As much as I'd love to get out of the grasps of my parents, I'm scared to death to go somewhere I've never been, and start over. I want it, but it won't happen.\
I realized yesterday that I don't do anything fun in the winter time. I was chatting with a friend at work, and I decided he should come check out my bathroom when it was done, but that there's nothing we could really do after he admired the bathroom. Everytime my friends and I get together we end up chatting and/or watching TV (not that that's a bad thing). So, it's not like I really do anything fun in the winter. Usually I have school/schoolwork and library work to keep me busy, but now I have nothing. I sit here in my apt all day, and I get excited if I get to go to work at night, just to get me out of the house. I really do wish I had some job to go to during the day, I am just so bored.
In the summer, I get to go on walks (usually takes about 2 hours) and that not only gets me out doing something, but I get exercise out of it. If I'm lucky I go on bike rides. And the past summers I had work (at the library) and last summer my internship to keep me busy during the day. I just wish I had something to keep me busy now. I hate this.
I'm only 23 years old, I never thought I'd live this long, and I'm totally lost in life.

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

Damn. You never thought you'd live to 23?! I told myself I'd never live to see 30. Life apparently has other plans.